You finally get a break in your day.....you could relax, sit on the sofa, maybe even lay down binge a show... but instead, your mind starts racing with everything you haven’t done, everything you should be doing, or the fear that something might go wrong if you let your guard down. Sound familiar?
This is what perfectionism often looks like behind the scenes. Yes it can also show up as over-planning and color-coded to-do lists - but tension, guilt, anxiety, and never really feeling “done" are a huge part of it as well. As a therapist, I see this all the time. Clients come in thinking they're just “motivated” or “ambitious,” but really, perfectionism is keeping them stuck in a loop of exhaustion and anxiety.
🧠 Let’s break it down: what exactly is perfectionism?
Perfectionism isn’t just wanting things to go well...it’s believing that if it’s not done perfectly, it means something about you. Your worth. Your safety. Your identity.
Perfectionism can look different for different people. Some people set unrealistically high standards for themselves (we have the: self-oriented perfectionists), while others feel immense pressure to meet what they think other people expect from them (that's socially-prescribed perfectionism). Either way, it stems from fear of failure, of judgment, and of not being enough.
Perfectionism can be sneaky. It tells you that you’re just “being responsible” or “trying your best,” when really, it’s anxiety in disguise.
😮💨 So What’s the Connection Between Perfectionism and Anxiety?
Perfectionism and anxiety are like partners in crime. One says, “Don’t mess this up,” and the other floods your nervous system with stress to make sure you listen.
If you’re constantly overthinking, procrastinating until things feel just right, or avoiding tasks unless you’re sure you’ll succeed...you’re not just being cautious. You’re anxious. Perfectionism creates a false sense of control: If I do everything perfectly, I’ll avoid anything negative and uncomfortable. But instead, it makes you more anxious because you're always bracing for the next thing.
It’s why relaxing feels unsafe. Your brain doesn’t see rest as recovery-----it sees it as a threat to your productivity, identity, or sense of control.
🚩 Patterns to Watch For
These are some common patterns of perfectionism:
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You replay conversations in your head hours after they happen
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You put off starting things because you “don’t have time to do it right"
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You feel tense or guilty during downtime
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You constantly raise the bar on yourself but rarely celebrate wins
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You avoid asking for help because you think it’s a sign of weakness
- You take a long time to complete projects/tasks b/c your always fixing and trying to make it better
These aren’t just random habits, they’re coping strategies. Ones that probably helped you at some point but now leave you feeling burnt out and anxious.
🔄 So How Do You work on fixing it?
Healing perfectionism isn’t about becoming careless or giving up your ambition. It’s about unlearning the belief that your value is tied to how flawless or productive you are.
Start with small shifts:
✨ Challenge your all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of “If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure,” try “Progress matters more than perfection.” - even if it isn't perfect you can still make progress - learning along the way.
✨ Practice doing things before you feel ready. Post the reel. Send the email. Take the nap. Let “done” be your new favorite word.
✨ Notice your perfectionism triggers. Is it around work? Social media? Family? Awareness creates space for change.
✨ Build in rest; not as a reward, but as a necessity. You don’t have to earn rest. You’re allowed to exist without performing.
✨ Create rituals of self-compassion. Journaling, somatic work, use affirmations...whatever helps you shift that inner critic to inner coach.
🧠 Of Course Therapy Can Help You Rewire This!
The roots of perfectionism often run deep. For many people, it's tied to childhood expectations, trauma, or environments where love felt conditional on performance. Therapy offers a space to unpack those origins and start building a different story.
Working with a therapist can help you:
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Understand where these patterns come from without judgment
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Learn nervous system regulation so your body doesn’t live in fight-or-flight
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Separate your worth from your work
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Build emotional tolerance for imperfection, uncertainty, and rest
Working on this in therapy can change not just your mind, but your whole experience of life. What would you do with all that extra time your no longer spending on perfecting everything...how much progress would you make if you just took the next step instead of waiting until you had everything ready and perfect?
If this resonates, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
👉 Start therapy here or download The Reset Ritual—my free calming toolkit made just for anxious, high-achieving brains like yours.